I used to feel that working on myself was a job I held, a responsibility to myself and others I encountered in my life. If I didn’t work on myself, who would? I saw therapists from time to time and I read some books. I took many classes and received many certifications in different disciplines. I tried out different ways of looking at things and talked with friends about the patterns that continued throughout my life. I made some progress, mostly variations on a theme. There were no big changes happening, just adjustments. Yet there were things in my life that needed to go!
The main patterns in my life, the ones that seemed to pop up just as I thought I was getting to where I wanted to go, continued on. Some, I thought, were just “me.” This must just be the way it is, the way I am. I might as well get used to it, I thought. But I wanted real transformation, not just slightly better here, a little better there, one step forward and two steps back. Still, I knew that I should be able to make myself any way I wanted to be. There was a direct conflict between myself and my beliefs it seemed.
I learned so much from studying and working on myself. I met some really great people, even made some great friends. I had great conversations, had gotten great advice and had seen some amazing things. And even though I was learning so much, I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. What was I missing?
My mentor suggested to me that I make a commitment to listen to my higher self. I had been working to become more aware of that self. I thought about it and made that commitment. It started out simple. But as I stuck to it, trusting myself, I gained more insight on situations. I was able to see things differently. A new awareness was available to me. Having that new awareness as to why I was doing what I was doing, saying what I was saying and reacting to triggers I had, gave me opportunities that I could work with. I was no longer just learning I was applying what I had learned.
One thing that I’ve said a lot in my life (and those of you who know me can attest to this), is that there is a big difference between what you know and the embodiment of that “wisdom.” I was now embodying what I had learned. Reflecting on that statement, I would say that the distance between knowing what you know, and the embodiment of that wisdom is the size and depth of the Grand Canyon, maybe greater.
Another thing I say a lot is, “Listen to the words coming out of your mouth, they are meant for you to hear.” And then there’s that… I hadn’t listened to my own words. No wonder I had said it so many times, I wasn’t listening. So, now I was listening. Paying attention to what I was telling myself helped me to know where I really was, what I was actually afraid of and how many areas that fear infiltrated.
My commitment to listening and putting myself into action created the shifts I was looking for. I was no longer just modifying the world I already lived in, I was creating a whole new world for myself. One where I saw things differently and related to things and myself differently. I spent the better part of 2020 making adjustments to the way I looked at life and at myself. The first part of 2021 I spent creating new relationships to people, places, dates and situations that I’ve had trouble with during my life.
I have come to realize that in those areas, I no longer had the same triggers. I no longer slip into an “old version of myself” when I am in the face of these people and places that triggered me. It’s kind of like when you go to your aunt’s house on Thanksgiving and all of a sudden you are that 12-year-old again and relating to your relatives from how you were from that time in your life. And in turn, they then relate to you based on your reactions to them. We’ve all had those family gatherings.
Such seemingly simple adjustments helped me shift into the “fast lane” of transformation. Creating and experiencing myself newly has been both amazing and rewarding. I still get triggered, but I see it now and when I do, I stand down, and look at it through a new lens. I am living my life, not learning about living it. When there is something to address, I have practices in place to get through it, and I am on to the next experience.
Stay tuned for my next blog where I will talk more about becoming an active listener in your own life, or you connect with me to chat about what might be going on in your life.
“Just as the constant increase of entropy is the basic law of the universe, so it is the basic law of life to be ever more highly structured and to struggle against entropy.” — Vaclav Havel