As I’ve been talking to people lately, the topic of using the mirror to address the shadow-self, has been coming up a lot. I am going to address it in this new Coaching Bling (as my friend, Brodie, calls it) and I am dedicating it to K.M.
We all project our shadows out into the world. By shadow, I am referring to the “dark side” we all have. It is the part of us we are ashamed of, afraid of, don’t want others to see and/or don’t want to look at for ourselves. We all have this shadow-self. How well do you know yours? Here is a hint, the more we see our shadows, the less shadow we have. It has a way of dissolving as we look at it, see it, hear it, understand it. Much like shining a light on something brings it out of the darkness.
This is not to be confused with a lack of awareness of your shadow. Not being aware of it does not cause it to dissolve, rather it causes us to live a life that is run by all of the beliefs and patterns that keep us stuck. If you think that avoiding your shadow will keep it hidden and also keep others from seeing it or keep you from having to deal with it, it won’t work. As we’ve addressed before, what you avoid not only sticks around, but grows in size.
It is said that the desire to be seen and heard is innate. What happens when someone truly sees us, hears us? We feel understood, acknowledged and validated. It can be a great feeling and one that can lead us to want to work with someone or have a friendship/relationship with them. The same happens when we see, hear and understand ourselves (including that shadowy part of us) and it is the true meaning of validation. The only person who can validate you is you.
Many of these relationships with people that we think have validated us, fail. Since no two people have the same experience, at some point, they will no longer be able to satisfy that expectation. By seeking validation outside of ourselves, we are putting our responsibility onto another. That person will never be able to live up to the continued expectations of validating us. The responsibility is yours alone.
You may not be aware of everything your shadow is made of, but chances are, you know it’s there. If you feel fear that isn’t essential for survival, anxiety, apprehension etc., you are experiencing your shadow-self. Just because you aren’t conscious of all that it is made up of, doesn’t mean it isn’t there, influencing your beliefs, decisions and relationships. Here is how you can see your shadow and how to know when you are projecting it out into the world.
When talking to someone, watching television or scanning through social media, notice as soon as you make something or someone else wrong and reacting strongly to how wrong they are. Wrong can take the form of: “I don’t like that.” or “That is dumb.” or “I can’t believe that.” or any number of other thoughts or phrases. Or, if you are having a conversation with someone, and you say to yourself, or to them, you’re wrong (or some version of that), what you are doing is projecting your shadow out into the world and onto someone else.
This is where the mirror comes into play. The person you are talking to, or reading about, is incidental to the conversation; acting as a mirror for you. They are there to reflect back to you something about you. The reason you talk about the things you do, is that you need to hear them for yourself, helping you to learn a lesson. AND, you will repeat these complaints and comments as often as it takes for them to finally sink in. Until that point, you will get really familiar with all things you like to say. So, as soon as you hear yourself projecting your shadow out into the world, stop, and ask yourself, “what is that all about?” Do the world a favor and take a look at what you are complaining about. Be honest, does it apply to you?
Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.
Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash.